A New Computer Manual
Author(s) Unknown - I claim no credit
Congratulations. You have purchased an Anthrax XP Multimedia
615X Personal Computer with Digital Doo-Dah Enhancer. It will
give years of faithful service, if you ever get it up and
Also included with your PC is a bonus pack of pre-installed
software - Lawn Mowing Planner, Mr. ArtyFarty, Blank Screen
Saver, and East Africa Route Finder - which will provide
hours of pointless diversion while using up most of your
computer's spare memory.
So turn the page and let's get started!
Getting ready: Congratulations. You have successfully turned
the page and are ready to proceed.
(Important meaningless note: the Anthrax/XP is configured
to use 80386, 214J10 or higher processors running at 2,472
Hertz on variable speed spin cycle. Check your electrical
installations and insurance policies before proceeding.
Do not tumble dry.)
To prevent internal heat build-up, select a cool, dry
environment for your computer. The bottom shelf of a
refrigerator is ideal. Unpack the box and examine its
contents. (Warning: Do not open box if contents are missing
or faulty as this will invalidate your warranty. Return all
missing contents in their original packaging with a note
explaining where they have gone and a replacement will be
dispatched to you within 12 working months.)
The contents of the box should include some of the
following: monitor with mysterious De Gauss button; keyboard
with 2 1/2 inches of flex; computer unit; miscellaneous
wires and cables not necessarily designed for this model;
2,000-page Owner's Manual; Short Guide to the Owner's
Manual; Quick Guide to the Short Guide to the Owner's
Manual; Laminated Super-Kwik Set-Up Guide for People Who Are
Exceptionally Impatient or Stupid; 1,167 pages of warranties,
vouchers, notices in Spanish, and other loose pieces of paper;
292 cubic feet of styrofoam packing material.
Something They Didn't Tell You In The Shop: Because of the
additional power needs of the pre-installed bonus software,
you will need an Anthrax/XP auxiliary unit for the memory
capacitator, 2,500 mega-gigabytes of additional memory for
the oscillator, and an electrical substation.
Setting Up: Congratulations. You are ready to set up. If you
have not yet acquired a degree in electrical engineering, now
is the time to do so. Connect the monitor cable (A) to the
portside outlet unit (D); attach power off-load unit sub-
orbiter (Xii) to the co-axial AC/DC servo channel (G); plug
three-pin mouse cable into keyboard housing unit (make extra
hole if necessary); connect modem (B2) to offside parallel
audio-video lineout jack. Switch the computer on. Your hard
drive will then download. (Allow three to five days.) When
downloading is complete, your screen will say:'Yeah, what?'
Now it is time to install your software. Insert Disk A
(marked 'Disk D' or 'Disk G') into Drive Slot B or J, and
type. 'Hello! Anybody home?' At the DOS command prompt,
enter your Licence Verification Number. Your Licence
Verification Number can be found by entering your Certified
User Number, which can be found by entering your Licence
Verification Number. If you are unable to find your Licence
Verification or Certified User numbers, call the Software
Support Line for assistance. (Please have your Licence
Verification and Certified User numbers handy as the support
staff cannot otherwise assist you.)
If you have not yet committed suicide, then insert
Installation Diskette 1 in Drive Slot 2 (or vice versa)
and follow the instructions on tour screen.
(Note: Owing to a software modification, some instructions
will appear in Romanian.) At each prompt, reconfigure the
specified file path, double click on the button launch icon,
select a single equation default file from the macro selection
register, insert the VGA graphics card in the rear aerofoil,
and type 'C:\>' followed by the birthdates of all the people
you have ever known.
Your screen will now say: 'Invalid file path. Whoa! Abort or
Selecting 'Continue' will result in irreversible file
compression, permanent loss of memory and a default overload
in the hard drive.
Selecting 'Abort' will require you to start again.
Obviously, select 'Continue'. When the smoke has cleared,
insert disk A2 (marked 'Disk Al') and repeat as directed
with each of the 187 other disks. When installation is
complete, return to file path, and type your name, address
and credit card numbers, and press 'Send'. This will
automatically register you and allow us to pass your name
to lots of computer magazines, on-line services and other
commercial enterprises, which will be getting in touch
Congratulations. You are now ready to use your computer.
Here are some simple exercises to get you off to a flying
Writing a Letter: Type 'Dear' and follow it with a name of
someone you know. Write a few lines about yourself, and then
write, 'Sincerely yours', followed by your own name.
Saving a File: To save your letter, select File Menu.
Choose Retrieve from SubDirectory A, enter a backup file
number and place an insertion point beside the macro dialogue
button. Select secondary text box from the merge menu, and
double click on the supplementary cleared documentary window.
Assign the tile cascade to a merge file and insert in a text
equation box. Alternatively, write the letter out longhand
and put it in a drawer.
Advice on Using the Spreadsheet Facility: Don't.
Troubleshooting Section: You will have many, many problems
with your computer. Here are some common problems and their
Problem: My computer won't turn on.
Solution: Check to make sure the computer is plugged in;
check to make sure the power button is in the 'On' position;
check the cables for damage; dig up underground cables in
your garden to check for damage; drive out into the country
and check pylons for fallen wires; call hotline.
Problem: My keyboard doesn't seem to have any keys.
Solution: Turn the keyboard up the right way.
Problem: My mouse won't drink its water or go on the spinning wheel.
Solution: Try a high-protein diet or call your pet shop support line.
Problem: My computer is a piece of useless junk.
Correct - and congratulations. You are now ready to upgrade to an Anthrax/XP# Turbo model, or go back to pen and paper.
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All feedback is Welcome!