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Full Deckisms

(As in, "He's not playing with a full deck.")

An edited version of the list found at CANONICAL LIST OF FULLDECKISMS

  1. "Body by Fisher -- brains by Mattel."
  2. "Duh!" on parade.
  3. $HOME = /dev/null.
  4. 3K RAM free, no EMS.
  5. A 1.0 in a 4.5 installation.
  6. A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.
  7. A 20th century man... The guy has no future.
  8. A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards.
  9. A flash of light, a cloud of dust, and... What was the question?
  10. A mind like wet tennis shoes... Makes squishy noises when running.
  11. A notch off the timing mark.
  12. A one-bit brain with a parity error.
  13. A pacifist out of necessity / always loses in a battle of wits.
  14. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
  15. A photographic memory, but no film / the lens cover is glued on.
  16. A quart low.
  17. A real rocket scientologist.
  18. A real space cadet.
  19. A return with no gosub.
  20. A room temperature IQ -- centigrade.
  21. A single-cylinder brain in a V8 world.
  22. A socketless drone in a plug-and-play world.
  23. A standard deviant.
  24. A T1 line of pure stupid.
  25. A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world.
  26. A VGA card and a Herc monitor.
  27. A wind-up clock without a key.
  28. Aliens zapped him with a stupidity ray -- twice.
  29. Alive today only because it's illegal to kill him.
  30. All cassette, no tape.
  31. All fetch and no execute.
  32. All missile, no warhead.
  33. All of his bytes are odd.
  34. Already visualizing the duct tape over his mouth.
  35. Always responds to "Make Money Fast" postings on the Net.
  36. Always sharpening his sleeping skills.
  37. An 8080 in a 68000 environment.
  38. An Apple //e on UUCP.
  39. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
  40. An XT clone in a Pentium zone.
  41. Another engineering prototype that should not have been shipped.
  42. Any connection between his reality and ours is purely coincidental.
  43. Any similarity between him and a human being is purely coincidental.
  44. Argues with herself -- and loses!
  45. As handy as a whiskbroom and twice as intelligent. -- Peter DeVries
  46. As smart as an automatic email responder script.
  47. As useful as reverse gear on a lawn mower.
  48. Bad spot on the disk.
  49. Bandwidth limited.
  50. Been napping in front of the ion shield again.
  51. Been one too many times through the wormhole.
  52. Brain like a hard drive with no read/write head.
  53. Brain permanently in power saving / 8-bit mode.
  54. Calling from a rotary phone.
  55. Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.
  56. Can discern facts and form predictions with the acumen of an economist.
  57. Can easily be confused with facts.
  58. Can only remember her old passwords.
  59. Can only shoot pool with a left-handed cue stick.
  60. Can't dial 911 because she can't find "11" on the phone.
  61. Can't find his couch in the living room.
  62. Can't program his way out of a for-loop.
  63. Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat.
  64. Carrier wave unmodulated.
  65. Carries a tire gauge in her purse.
  66. Cart can't hold all the groceries.
  67. Cauliflower for brains.
  68. Cerebrum vaccuoso. (Empty head.)
  69. Charming as a carbuncle.
  70. Cheats when filling out opinion polls.
  71. Cheezwiz for brains.
  72. Chimney's clogged.
  73. Clock doesn't have all its numbers.
  74. Closer to the edge than a bicycle on the autobahn.
  75. Conserves toilet paper by using both sides.
  76. Consumes hard drugs as vitamins.
  77. Contributes to collections like this one without searching first to see if their little gem is already listed.
  78. Contributes to the population problem.
  79. Could only be loved/missed if the minister read someone else's eulogy.
  80. Could qualify as a houseplant if he learned to photosynthesize.
  81. Couldn't balance a checkbook if Einstein helped.
  82. Couldn't engineer his way out of a wet paper bag.
  83. Couldn't figure it out if God gave him the instruction manual.
  84. Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him.
  85. Couldn't find oil with a dipstick.
  86. Couldn't find two Saint Bernards if they were in the same telephone booth with him.
  87. Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel.
  88. Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside.
  89. Couldn't hit water if he fell out of a boat.
  90. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
  91. Couldn't run out of sight on a dark night / in a week.
  92. Couldn't tell which way the elevator was going if he had two guesses.
  93. Coverage 90%; signal strength 10%.
  94. CPU doesn't pick up on all clock cycles.
  95. CPU is always in powersave mode.
  96. CPU not connected to the bus.
  97. Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter. (Really dense.)
  98. Cranio-rectally inverted.
  99. Creates his swap file in a RAM disk.
  100. Cunning as a dodo bird.
  101. Cursor's flashing but there's no response.
  102. Dealing with him is less fun than going to the dentist.
  103. Dealing with him is one angst worse than a blind date.
  104. Deep as her dimples / reflection in a mirror.
  105. Defective hard drive / boot sector.
  106. Dense as a London fog.
  107. Depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
  108. Diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  109. Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
  110. Differently clued. -- Dave Clark
  111. Dock doesn't quite reach the water.
  112. Does aerobics... in his head.
  113. Does the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe. (Three Stooges)
  114. Doesn't adjust for leap years.
  115. Doesn't consider his drive a slice unless it lands two fairways over.
  116. Doesn't have a round in every chamber.
  117. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
  118. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash / cups in the cupboard / groceries in the same bag.
  119. Doesn't have all the dots on his dice / pens in her plotter.
  120. Doesn't have both oars in the water -- can't even find the damn boat.
  121. Doesn't have elastic in both of his socks.
  122. Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.
  123. Doesn't have the brain power to toast a crouton.
  124. Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.
  125. Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.
  126. Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much.
  127. Doesn't just wear perfume, she marinates in it.
  128. Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. -- Billing
  129. Doesn't know which side the toast is buttered on.
  130. Doesn't need to worry about excess knowledge.
  131. Doesn't put the cross-hairs on the target.
  132. Doesn't suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.
  133. Doesn't suffer from stress, she's a carrier.
  134. Don't know what his problem is, but it's hard to pronounce.
  135. Donated her body to science fiction.
  136. Donated her body to scientists... Before she was done using it.
  137. Downhill skiing in Iowa.
  138. Driveway doesn't quite reach the garage.
  139. Driving at night with the lights off.
  140. Driving down the road of life with his sun shield in place.
  141. Driving with his tailgate down (and stuff is falling out).
  142. Driving with two wheels in the sand / not all wheels on the pavement.
  143. Dropped his second stage too soon.
  144. Dropped on his head as a child.
  145. Dumb as asphalt / dirt / a mud fence / a stump / a sack of hammers.
  146. Dumber than a chicken / box of hair/rocks / sled tracks.
  147. During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
  148. Ears are redirected to /dev/null.
  149. Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing.
  150. Echoes between the ears.
  151. Eight pawns short of a gambit.
  152. Either the good twin or the evil one, hard to say.
  153. Electroencephalographically challenged.
  154. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor / penthouse / mezzanine.
  155. Elevator goes all the way to the top but the door doesn't open.
  156. Elevator is on the ground floor and he's pushing the Down button.
  157. Elevator to the brain suite is out of order.
  158. Emails a one-line contribution to this list with a full copy of the list attached.
  159. End of season sale at the cerebral department. -- Gareth Blackstock
  160. Enjoys listening to telemarketers.
  161. Enough sawdust between the ears to bed an elephant.
  162. Even a two button mouse gives him too many options.
  163. Even in victory, he's a loser.
  164. Evidence for the theory of a missing link.
  165. Evolved from a toxic waste dump.
  166. Failed the Turing test.
  167. Fell out of the family tree.
  168. Fifteen ounces short of a pound of common sense.
  169. Fifty-one cards short of a full deck.
  170. Fighting the war with a starter pistol / water pistol / pop gun / cap gun.
  171. Finds a flat by swapping tires.
  172. Finds Sesame Street / knock-knock jokes challenging.
  173. Fired from McDonald's for having a short attention span.
  174. Fired her retro-rockets a little late.
  175. First to admit he's a slow thinker -- actually, more like the seventy-first. -- Pratchett
  176. Flaky.
  177. Flying on a cold shot. (Inadequate force from a steam catapult launch on an aircraft carrier.)
  178. Flying/landing on one engine.
  179. Focused like a 12 gauge shotgun.
  180. Fog rolled in the day he was born, and a bit of it never rolled out.
  181. Folds ace plus red jack hand when playing blackjack.
  182. For those who never forget a face, his is an exception.
  183. Foreign substances float in his cranial fluids.
  184. Forgot to pay his brain bill.
  185. Found his marbles, but is playing jacks with them.
  186. Four bits short of a full DEC.
  187. Four bows short of a string quartet.
  188. Four cents short of a nickel.
  189. Fruit looking for a cake to happen.
  190. Full of wisdumb.
  191. Full throttle, dry tank.
  192. Gasoline engine, diesel fuel.
  193. Gates/barriers are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
  194. Gavel doesn't quite hit the bench.
  195. Gears grind/don't always mesh.
  196. Gets her mail at an unknown zip code.
  197. Gets his orders from another planet.
  198. Gets lost in thought -- it's unfamiliar territory.
  199. Gets parity errors under load.
  200. Gives a lot of bull for somebody what ain't got no cattle.
  201. Goalie for the dart team.
  202. God might still use him for miracle practice.
  203. God's favorite target for lightning strikes.
  204. Goes with the flow... He's a bed wetter.
  205. Good at quantum tunneling but not much else.
  206. Got a life, but wasn't sure what to do with it.
  207. Got help, but it didn't help. -- Bob Thaves
  208. Got his brains as a stocking stuffer.
  209. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
  210. Got up on the wrong side of bed again this morning -- like always.
  211. Guillotining him would make only an aesthetic difference.
  212. Gyros are loose.
  213. Habits explainable if he was raised by wolves.
  214. Had a head crash / her server's crashed.
  215. Half a bubble off plumb. -- attributed to Mark Twain
  216. Happiness is seeing her picture on a milk carton.
  217. Hard to distinguish from the tail end of a horse.
  218. Hard to tell if he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace is missing from his deck altogether.
  219. Has 100-meter talent, but is half a mile into the marathon of life.
  220. Has a bird's-eye view, and a brain to match.
  221. Has a bus fault problem.
  222. Has a divide-by-zero look on his face.
  223. Has a face only a mother could love -- but she hates it too.
  224. Has a few wait states.
  225. Has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold them together.
  226. Has a hole in his bucket.
  227. Has a leak in his ceiling.
  228. Has a mind like a mousetrap, but should let some of those poor mice go.
  229. Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express.
  230. Has a personality all her own... No one else wanted it. -- Jim Davis
  231. Has a pulse, but that's about all.
  232. Has a random memory fault.
  233. Has a slow clock.
  234. Has a sparse matrix. (Beware, "matrix" comes from the Latin "womb".)
  235. Has a two-bit operating system.
  236. Has achieved inner peace, but still displays outer obnoxiousness.
  237. Has all her bricks, but no cement holding them together.
  238. Has an inferiority complex, but not a very good one.
  239. Has an IQ one lower than it takes to grunt.
  240. Has been seen tossing bread crumbs to helicopters.
  241. Has change for a seven dollar bill.
  242. Has delusions of adequacy.
  243. Has FINO (first in never out) memory.
  244. Has her headquarters where her hindquarters should be.
  245. Has his brain on cruise control again.
  246. Has his solar panels aimed at the moon.
  247. Has it floored in neutral.
  248. Has lots of books, but all he does is lick the ink off the pages.
  249. Has no discretionary intellect.
  250. Has no upper stage.
  251. Has nothing to say, but delights in saying it.
  252. Has only one chopstick in the chowmein.
  253. Has over 1000 funny insults saved in a file, but can't remember any of them.
  254. Has plenty of talent and vision, just doesn't give a damn.
  255. Has resonance where others have brains.
  256. Has signs on both ears saying "Space for Rent".
  257. Has so few thoughts that when he free associates, it's like watching tennis.
  258. Has the attention span of an overripe grapefruit.
  259. Has the brains of a house plant / turnip (cooked).
  260. Has the Grand Canyon under the crew cut.
  261. Has the IQ of a salad bar / an ice cube / three below houseplant.
  262. Has the keen awareness of an ostrich in hiding.
  263. Has the mental agility of a soap dish. -- National Lampoon
  264. Has the personality of a snail on Valium.
  265. Has the same talent as Dr. Doolittle.
  266. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
  267. Hasn't caught on that X and Y are relative values.
  268. Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard.
  269. Hasn't got the brains God gave a cat.
  270. Hasn't got the brains of a retarded anvil/oyster.
  271. Hasn't lost his mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
  272. Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited / dancing.
  273. He came, he saw, he clutched.
  274. HE CAN ONLY TYPE IN UPPER CASE.
  275. He can push but he can't pop.
  276. He demonstrates that beauty times brains is a constant.
  277. He donated his brain to science but they made an early withdrawal.
  278. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
  279. He has a good point... Six inches above his eyes.
  280. He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
  281. He has two left feet.
  282. He hasn't a single redeeming vice. -- Oscar Wilde
  283. He is a man of few words and he does not know what either of them mean. -- Prachett
  284. He is a mouth-breather.
  285. He knows computers... He's not fit for contact with humans.
  286. He went off to cry to mommie/auntie.
  287. He writes blank checks on a closed account.
  288. He'd screw up a two-car funeral procession.
  289. He'll eventually qualify as a Darwin Award winner.
  290. He's a General Protection Fault trigger.
  291. He's a man on a mission, but can't find his dossier.
  292. He's as soppy as a sack. (British)
  293. He's been invited to every party in town... Once.
  294. He's diagnosable.
  295. He's in a federal witless protection program.
  296. He's not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.
  297. He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
  298. He's so dense, light bends around him.
  299. He's so dense, the Titanic wouldn't sink in his head.
  300. Hears everything that a dog can.
  301. Hears more lyrics on records when they're played backwards.
  302. Her access time approaches infinity.
  303. Her ancestors came to this country looking for bananas.
  304. Her blender doesn't go past "mix".
  305. Her brain cells are as hard to isolate as <your favorite politician's> concern for his/her electorate.
  306. Her brain comes with single-bit error detection and half-assed error correction.
  307. Her brain has a corrupted filesystem / someone needs to run fsck on her brain.
  308. Her brain is more like a Rube Goldberg device than a computer.
  309. Her cache is incoherent.
  310. Her career is just taking off -- she's never at work.
  311. Her closet is full of hangars, but no clothing.
  312. Her dentist went deaf from the drill's echoes.
  313. Her dialing thumb must be broken.
  314. Her display is always flashing 12:00.
  315. Her ears serve the same function as holes in a dribble glass.
  316. Her files are compressed 100%.
  317. Her finals are burned out.
  318. Her friends took her aside, and left her there. -- Ron Richards
  319. Her gene pool could use a little chlorine / a good filter.
  320. Her head doesn't cast a shadow.
  321. Her head needs a periodic whack on the side.
  322. Her input pipe is broken.
  323. Her interrupt handler hit a loop.
  324. Her IQ is the reason they had to invent negative/imaginary numbers.
  325. Her kid is an honor student, but she's still an idiot.
  326. Her leads need resoldering.
  327. Her learning curve is fractal.
  328. Her lint trap is full.
  329. Her lists are unlinked.
  330. Her memory is truly random-access.
  331. Her mental function can be graphed with a single dot.
  332. Her mere presence causes parity errors, power fails, and head crashes.
  333. Her mind is not grounded to a logic supply.
  334. Her mind might have spontaneously combusted.
  335. Her mind would be unstable even mounted on a tripod.
  336. Her modem lights are on but there's no carrier.
  337. Her objects are not fully oriented.
  338. Her only hope for brainpower is vacuum point energy.
  339. Her personal problems can only be solved using high explosives.
  340. Her phone doesn't quite reach her desk.
  341. Her pool balls don't fit into the rack.
  342. Her positronic matrix won't reboot.
  343. Her purpose in life is to balance out the bell curve.
  344. Her random access is the same as her sequential access.
  345. Her sewing machine's been out of thread for some time now.
  346. Her ski lift doesn't go to the top of the hill.
  347. Her stack has been corrupted.
  348. Her synapses are about |that| far apart.
  349. Her system file has zero bytes.
  350. Her tires are a little low.
  351. Her walls don't go all the way to the ceiling.
  352. Her wheels are turning but she's upside down. -- U2
  353. Her wipers don't touch the glass.
  354. Her word length is zero bits.
  355. Hid behind the door when they passed out brains.
  356. High relative humidity... He's lost in a fog.
  357. His access light's on, but the drive isn't spinning / is still spinning up.
  358. His accumulator overflows at zero.
  359. His actual mileage varies.
  360. His antenna/radio doesn't pick up all the channels/stations.
  361. His boot block is in a bad sector.
  362. His boot ROM has a bad checksum.
  363. His brackets are mismatched.
  364. His brain could be the perfect dielectric.
  365. His brain is sueing for neglect.
  366. His brain was sold separately and they were out of stock.
  367. His brain would rattle around in a gnat's navel.
  368. His bread ain't done.
  369. His buffer is full.
  370. His clock's ticking but it's not telling time.
  371. His clutch is slipping.
  372. His data bus stops for red lights.
  373. His deck has no face cards.
  374. His elevator is stuck between floors.
  375. His face is on a coin... On the edge.
  376. His family tree is a telephone pole.
  377. His family wasn't dysfunctional until he arrived.
  378. His freelist is empty.
  379. His future is behind schedule. -- Bob Thaves
  380. His gene line isn't just dead, it's extinct.
  381. His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons. -- Robin Williams
  382. His grades were so bad, after school he couldn't even get into prison. -- Shannon Sharpe
  383. His grey matter is brown / doesn't matter.
  384. His head whistles in a cross wind.
  385. His home page is out of order.
  386. His home planet is flat.
  387. His IQ test results were negative / IQ is a false positive.
  388. His jack can't get the car off the ground.
  389. His military nomenclature is ID-10-T (idiot).
  390. His mind is a few Hertz off its assigned frequency.
  391. His mind is great at error magnification.
  392. His mind is less substantial than the Emperor's new clothes.
  393. His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime. -- Allision
  394. His mind is write-protected/write-only.
  395. His mind reached escape velocity and achieved orbit.
  396. His mind wandered and he went along for the ride / never came back.
  397. His motto is: Space, the final frontier.
  398. His mouth rarely makes calls to his brain.
  399. His outgoing message starts with, "Hello, Mr. Answering Machine."
  400. His page was intentionally left blank.
  401. His picture is in the dictionary under "zero".
  402. His pointers are null/uninitialized.
  403. His puzzle is missing a few pieces.
  404. His reaction time is longer than his attention span. -- Thaves
  405. His root file system isn't mounted.
  406. His seat back is not in the full upright and locked position.
  407. His shared libraries aren't installed.
  408. His signal-to-noise ratio is epsilon.
  409. His signature is long, boring, and stupid, but it's the best part of his postings.
  410. His spark can't jump the gap.
  411. His spirit guide is a three-toed sloth.
  412. His stack's not very deep / he has an eight-byte stack.
  413. His strings aren't null-terminated.
  414. His strip is demagnetized.
  415. His system administrator is never in.
  416. His train tracks aren't quite parallel.
  417. His URL denies outside access.
  418. His watch dog is sleeping.
  419. His Wheaties have been in the milk too long.
  420. His wisdom is stolen from bumper-stickers and T-shirts.
  421. His wits have left the rails and are careening about the countryside.
  422. His X, Y, and Z axes don't meet at the origin.
  423. Hitler's evil twin.
  424. Holds a grudge until it dies of old age, then has it stuffed and mounted. -- David Weber
  425. Hyperspatially interconnected / permanently disconnected neural net.
  426. Hypnotized as a child and couldn't be woken.
  427. I like him; he reminds me of when I was young and stupid.
  428. I would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
  429. I'd like to buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth.
  430. I've worn dresses with higher IQs than his.
  431. If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage.
  432. If brains were chocolate, he wouldn't have enough for an M&M.
  433. If brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough to blow her nose / her hat off / the wax out of her ears.
  434. If brains were gasoline, he couldn't ride a moped around a fruit loop.
  435. If brains were grains of sand, he couldn't fill a dixie cup.
  436. If brains were lard, he'd be hard pressed to grease a small pan.
  437. If brains were leather, he couldn't saddle a flea.
  438. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
  439. If brains were water, hers wouldn't be enough to baptize a flea.
  440. If dumb were dirt, he'd be an acre.
  441. If fashion law is ever enforced, he'll be found guilty without hope of parole.
  442. If God tried to help him, we'd have an eight day week.
  443. If he didn't exist, he wouldn't be worth inventing.
  444. If he donated his brain to science it'd set civilization back 50 years.
  445. If he gets any denser, the geocentric theory of the universe will come true.
  446. If he had a lobotomy he'd depressurize.
  447. If he had another brain (cell), it would be lonely.
  448. If he had brains, he'd take them out and play with them.
  449. If he had console lights, we would see only the idle loop patterns.
  450. If he were an Indian, Custer would be alive today / would have died of old age.
  451. If he were any brighter he'd be in the visible spectrum.
  452. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
  453. If her brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards.
  454. If his brain were a hard drive, it would back up on a single floppy.
  455. If his brains were money, he'd still be in debt.
  456. If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock.
  457. If ignorance were bliss, she'd be orgasmic.
  458. If it's not in his horoscope/tea leaves, he doesn't take it seriously.
  459. If men were dominoes, he would be the double-blank. -- P.G. Wodehouse
  460. If she had a disk drive we could upgrade her with DOS 3.0.
  461. If she was any dumber, she'd be a green plant.
  462. If stupidity hurt, he'd go through life on a morphine drip.
  463. If stupidity were a crime, he'd be number one on the Most Wanted list.
  464. If the government ever declared war on stupidity, he'd get nuked.
  465. If there were a merciful God he'd be dead by now.
  466. If they each had half a brain, they'd still only have half a brain.
  467. If they knock heads, implosion will suck all the air out of the room.
  468. If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.
  469. If you called him a wit, you'd be half right.
  470. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
  471. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
  472. Ignorant, and proud of it.
  473. Immune from any serious head injury.
  474. Immune to caffeine and all other stimulants.
  475. In a tub of Preparation H, he'd shrink down to thumb size.
  476. In his optimum environment, he'd be locked in a life and death struggle with mushrooms.
  477. In line for brains, thought they said pains, and said, "No, thanks".
  478. In line for brains, thought they said trains, and asked for one with lots of steam / said his dad just bought him one.
  479. In line for brains, thought they said were handing out milkshakes, and he asked for "extra thick."
  480. In need of a ROM upgrade.
  481. In serious need of attitude adjustment.
  482. In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little farther apart than most.
  483. In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy store.
  484. In touch with her higher power, but out of touch with the rest of us.
  485. Includes a "thank you" note with her tax returns.
  486. Infinite space between her ears.
  487. Informationally deprived.
  488. Inhabits her own private timezone.
  489. Inspected by #13.
  490. Inspired the slogan, "A mind is a terrible thing to waste."
  491. Intellectually/synaptically challenged.
  492. Intelligence somewhere between a pet rock and egg white.
  493. Invented a pencil with an eraser on each end.
  494. Invented a submarine with a screen door.
  495. IQ = dx / (1 + dx), where x = age.
  496. IQ lower than a snake's belly in a wagon-rut.
  497. It's hard to believe he beat 100,000 other sperm.
  498. Just another flash in the bedpan.
  499. Just asleep, but others worry that he's dead.
  500. Keeps her brain in mint condition.
  501. Keeps his imagination on a long leash.
  502. Kept an open mind -- and his brains fell out.
  503. Keywords: generalizations clue get
  504. Knitting with only one needle.
  505. Knows his sports, but his understanding is limited to violence.
  506. Landed with his gear/brain up and locked.
  507. Leaky sunroof.
  508. Left hand threaded.
  509. Left his booster on the launch pad.
  510. Left the store without all of his groceries.
  511. Leveled off before reaching altitude.
  512. Life by Norman Rockwell, but screenplay by Stephen King.
  513. Lightbulb over his head is burned out.
  514. Lights / porch lights are on but nobody's home.
  515. Lights not burning too bright.
  516. Like a barometer -- vacuum at the top.
  517. Like a loose-leaf folder in winter.
  518. Like a one-armed man climbing a rope.
  519. Likes dunking for french fries.
  520. Likes to execute his data.
  521. Little red choo-choo's gone chugging 'round the bend / jumped the track.
  522. Lives in La-la-land.
  523. Lives in the same world, but a different universe.
  524. Lives just up the street from the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.
  525. Living proof of Einstein's theory that there is no limit to human stupidity.
  526. Living proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
  527. Living proof that God did die back in the 60s.
  528. Living proof that God has a sense of humor.
  529. Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
  530. Living proof that there's ALWAYS someone worse off than you.
  531. Long on drywall, short on studs.
  532. Looking for a nickel in the corner of a circular room.
  533. Looks for the "Any" key.
  534. Looks just like Bill Gates.
  535. Loose chip on the microprocessor board.
  536. Loose wire to his headset/ringer.
  537. Lost his marbles.
  538. Lots of silverware on his table, but no plates.
  539. Loves a good insult, but can never remember any.
  540. Low on thinking gas.
  541. Low-bandwidth as an information source.
  542. Luckily these types kill themselves before reproducing... Think of it as evolution in action. -- Larry Niven
  543. Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps.
  544. Made a career out of mid-life crisis.
  545. Mainspring's wound too tight.
  546. Makes a black hole look bright.
  547. Makes predictions that make weathermen/economists look good.
  548. Meandering to a different drummer.
  549. Memorized every Dr. Seuss story written.
  550. Mental software is Version 1.0 / still in beta test.
  551. Mentally qualified for handicapped parking.
  552. Metronome needs oil.
  553. Might look like he's doing nothing, but at the cellular level he's really quite busy.
  554. Mind like a steel sieve.
  555. Mind like a steel trap -- everything gets mangled / full of mice / nothing in, nothing out / rusted shut / someday it will snap shut and swallow his face.
  556. Missed her last four scheduled tune-ups.
  557. Missed the last train to Clue Junction. -- Rev Billy Wirtz
  558. Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
  559. Missing a few catalog cards / gears / marbles.
  560. Missing a layer of insulation in his attic.
  561. Monorail doesn't go all the way to Tomorrowland.
  562. Mooring lines don't reach the dock.
  563. More armpits than brain cells.
  564. More marbles in a spray-paint can than brains in his head.
  565. Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.
  566. Moves his lips to pretend he's reading.
  567. Must have ignored a knock-down pitch.
  568. Nearly lives up to her full potential as a dumb blond.
  569. Nearly on a higher plane, but lost his boarding pass.
  570. Needed a tutor to learn how to scribble.
  571. Needs a checkup from the neck up.
  572. Needs a little remedial evolution.
  573. Needs a stepladder to pick his nose.
  574. Needs an operating manual for a screwdriver.
  575. Needs another brain to make half-wit.
  576. Needs front end alignment.
  577. Needs his disk checked/reformatted.
  578. Needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so they can be tied in the back.
  579. Neither left-brained nor right-brained. -- Bob Thaves
  580. Network constantly loses packets.
  581. Neurons are firing non-sequentially.
  582. Never finishes a thoug
  583. Never had a headcold in her life since diseases can't exist in a vacuum.
  584. Never misses an episode of her screensaver.
  585. Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world. -- Van Jacobson
  586. Nice color but not enough wattage.
  587. Nice house but not much furniture / nobody lives there.
  588. Nine rooms; no furniture.
  589. Nineteen cents short of a paradigm.
  590. No bubble in his gauge. (Refers to a submarine dive gauge.)
  591. No charge in her synapses.
  592. No coins in the old fountain.
  593. No filter in the coffeemaker.
  594. No grain in the silo.
  595. No hands on the rudder/yoke.
  596. No hay in the loft.
  597. No one at the throttle.
  598. No ROM basic.
  599. No wind in her mind's windmills.
  600. Not all his dogs are barking.
  601. Not an idiot, but plays one in his life.
  602. Not as dumb as he looks, but that would be impossible.
  603. Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us.
  604. Not done evolving yet.
  605. Not enough brain cells for the Prozac to be effective.
  606. Not enough brains to get anywhere NEAR the gutter.
  607. Not enough bullets for Russian Roulette.
  608. Not enough change to break a dollar/pound/deutschmark/yen.
  609. Not enough sense to come in out of the rain.
  610. Not enough sense to stay out in the rain. (Like a 60's flower child.)
  611. Not firing on all four/six/eight cylinders.
  612. Not firmly seated in the socket / screwed in tight.
  613. Not hard-docked.
  614. Not inflated to 90 PSI / head is stamped "inflate to 40 PSI".
  615. Not Intel Inside. (Or, given Pentium problems, just: Intel inside.)
  616. Not just off-base -- he's out of the stadium.
  617. Not much to show for four billion years of evolution.
  618. Not only rude, but ugly too.
  619. Not playing with / dealing from a full deck (-- not even in the game).
  620. Not ready for prime time.
  621. Not running on full thrusters.
  622. Not shooting pool on a level table.
  623. Not so much of a has-been, as a won't-be.
  624. Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree / light in the harbor / crayon in the box.
  625. Not the full quid.
  626. Not the same since they took him off his medication.
  627. Not the sharpest knife/spoon in the drawer / tool in the shed / nail in the box / quill on the porcupine / pencil in the box.
  628. Not wrapped too tight.
  629. Nothing between the stethoscopes.
  630. Nothing on her radar.
  631. Numb as a post / pounded thumb.
  632. Nutty as a fruitcake.
  633. Of all the things he's lost, he misses his mind the most.
  634. Off by one.
  635. Off his rocker/trolley.
  636. Oil doesn't reach his dipstick.
  637. On permanent/unexcused leave of absence from his senses.
  638. On the batting end of a no-hitter.
  639. One anna short of a rupee.
  640. One bead short in her rosary.
  641. One bean short of chili.
  642. One bean shy of full strength.
  643. One beer short of a six-pack / a six-pack short of a case.
  644. One bird short of a flock.
  645. One bit short of a byte/word.
  646. One blade short of a sharp edge. -- Nanci Griffith
  647. One block short of a filesystem.
  648. One board short of a porch.
  649. One bomb/melon short of a full load.
  650. One boot stuck in the sand.
  651. One bottom short of a bucket.
  652. One Brady short of a Bunch.
  653. One brick short of a wall/hod/load/pile.
  654. One bumper/rail short of a bank shot.
  655. One bun/donut short of a dozen.
  656. One byte short of a checksum.
  657. One byte short of a full 256K SIMM.
  658. One car short of a chase scene.
  659. One card/marble short of a full deck.
  660. One chapter short of a novel.
  661. One chicken short of a henhouse.
  662. One chip short of a cookie / megabyte / puddy (Liverpudlian).
  663. One citation short of a footnote.
  664. One clearance short of landing/take off.
  665. One clown short of a circus.
  666. One clue short of a solution.
  667. One cold solder joint.
  668. One color short of a full deck. (A half-wit.)
  669. One color short of color-coordinated.
  670. One couplet short of a sonnet.
  671. One course short of a degree. (As in: "I've got a degree in home economics, but I was only one course short of a degree in advanced nuclear physics.")
  672. One crayon short of a full box.
  673. One crouton short of a salad.
  674. One cup and saucer short of a place setting.
  675. One cylinder short of a full re-format.
  676. One dial short of a control panel.
  677. One diamond short of a ring.
  678. One dimension short of reality.
  679. One doughnut short of being a cop.
  680. One drool bib short of neat and tidy.
  681. One drop short of an empty bladder.
  682. One ear short of a bushel.
  683. One expert short of an antitrust suit.
  684. One feather short of a boa / whole duck.
  685. One fish short of a string.
  686. One floor below the poopdeck.
  687. One flower short of an arrangement.
  688. One flying buttress short of a cathedral.
  689. One foot in the future, one foot in the past, pissing on the present.
  690. One french fry / hamburger short of a Happy Meal.
  691. One Froot Loop (sic) short of a full bowl.
  692. One fruit short of a basket.
  693. One gene short of a full chromosome.
  694. One goose short of a gaggle.
  695. One grape short of a bunch.
  696. One gunman shy of a posse.
  697. One guppy short of an aquarium.
  698. One handle short of a suitcase.
  699. One harmonic short of a tubular bell.
  700. One hot pepper short of an enchilada.
  701. One inch short of a foot/yard.
  702. One inspection short of passing.
  703. One kangaroo short in her top paddock.
  704. One kernel short of an ear.
  705. One key short of a piano.
  706. One kopek short of a ruble.
  707. One link short of a chain.
  708. One live brain cell away from being a talking monkey.
  709. One marshmallow short of a s'more.
  710. One measure short of a staff.
  711. One miracle short of being where he thinks he's at.
  712. One miracle wouldn't be enough to help him.
  713. One monkey short of a full hundred.
  714. One node short of a network.
  715. One nut short of a full pouch.
  716. One of the early failures of electroshock therapy.
  717. One open splice.
  718. One pancake short of a stack.
  719. One pane short of a window.
  720. One pea short of a pod/casserole.
  721. One peak short of a chromatogram.
  722. One pearl short of a necklace.
  723. One pickle short of a jar.
  724. One pie short of a holiday.
  725. One plane short of an Air Force / hangar.
  726. One planet short of a federation.
  727. One point short of a polygon.
  728. One prayer short of absolution.
  729. One press short of a CAPS LOCK key. (Types all uppercase.)
  730. One punch/swing/hit short of a fight.
  731. One quark short of a hadron.
  732. One republic short of an empire.
  733. One revision behind.
  734. One sandwich/apple/ant short of a picnic.
  735. One saucer short of a tea-service.
  736. One scallop short of a seafood platter.
  737. One screw loose.
  738. One screw shy of a final assembly.
  739. One sentence short of a paragraph.
  740. One shade short of a rainbow.
  741. One sheep short of a sweater.
  742. One shingle short of a roof, and the water's getting in.
  743. One ship short of a full fleet.
  744. One shrimp short of a barbie.
  745. One side short of a pentagon.
  746. One signature short of a book.
  747. One slate short of a full roof.
  748. One sleeve/button short of a shirt.
  749. One snowflake short of a ski slope.
  750. One sock short of a pair.
  751. One song short of a musical.
  752. One span short of a bridge.
  753. One spoon short of a full set.
  754. One steering wheel / bolt short of a Yugo.
  755. One step short of the attic.
  756. One stick short of a bundle.
  757. One straw short of a bale.
  758. One strawberry short of a quart.
  759. One strike past being called out.
  760. One sub short of a party platter.
  761. One sultana short of a complete fruitcake.
  762. One taco/enchilada/chalupa short of a combination/Mexican plate.
  763. One teabag short of a pot.
  764. One tilde short of a full URL.
  765. One tile missing from his space shuttle.
  766. One tile short of a successful re-entry.
  767. One too many lights out in his Christmas tree.
  768. One too many rides on the Zipper.
  769. One tower short of a castle.
  770. One tree short of a hammock.
  771. One vine short of the tree. (For Tarzan types.)
  772. One volt below threshold.
  773. One weight short of a shipwreck.
  774. One word short of a.
  775. One yard short of the hole.
  776. Only occasionally wets himself under pressure.
  777. Only one oar in the water.
  778. Only opens his mouth to change feet.
  779. Only playing with 51 cards.
  780. Only playing with the jokers.
  781. Operating in stand-by mode.
  782. Organizationally impaired.
  783. Ought to have a warning label on his forehead.
  784. Out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
  785. Out there where the buses don't run.
  786. Outlet isn't grounded.
  787. Over the rainbow.
  788. Overdue for reincarnation.
  789. Overruns above 110 baud.
  790. Paged/swapped out.
  791. Parallel mind, serial world.
  792. Parallel world, serial mind.
  793. Paralyzed from the neck up.
  794. Parked his head and forgot where he left it.
  795. Pedaling real fast, but not getting anywhere.
  796. People around her are at risk of second hand idiocy.
  797. Perfect chassis, bad driver.
  798. Perfect percussionist for an acapella group (duh, duh, duh...)
  799. Perfect training subject for apprentice hypnotists.
  800. Permanently out to lunch.
  801. Permanently rotated 90 degrees from the rest of us.
  802. Playing baseball with a rubber bat.
  803. Playing hockey with a warped puck.
  804. Playing Scrabble, but we can't figure out what words he's building.
  805. Plays pinochle with a poker deck.
  806. Plays solitaire... For cash.
  807. Plays tennis with no net and finds it challenging.
  808. Plenty of salt in the shaker, but no holes in the cap.
  809. Posts empty articles to the Net, and enjoys rereading them later.
  810. Prefers three left turns to one right turn.
  811. Pressure's up, but there's a slow leak somewhere.
  812. Produces a zero-length core dump.
  813. Programmed into an infinite loop.
  814. Proud of his lawn mower.
  815. Psycho pneumatic. (Crazy air head.)
  816. Put a lens in each ear and you've got a telescope.
  817. Put on Earth to be an oxygen converter.
  818. Puts a finger in his ear so the draft through his head isn't annoying.
  819. Putting his brain on the edge of a razor blade would be like putting a pea on a six lane highway.
  820. Qualifies for the mental express line -- five thoughts or less. -- MacNelly
  821. Quotes entire letters/articles as responses and hides her one line of wisdom in the middle.
  822. Radio's playing but nobody's listening.
  823. Reading from an empty/blank/unformatted disk.
  824. Reads her newspaper back-to-front.
  825. Reads Homer in the original Greek, but doesn't know Greek.
  826. Ready to join the Anti-Mensa Society.
  827. Receiver is off the hook.
  828. Relatively three-dimensional, as fictional characters go.
  829. Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.
  830. Reposts this list when someone asks for it, but it's an old copy.
  831. Requires retraining after every coffee break.
  832. Reset line is glitching.
  833. Result of a first cousin marriage.
  834. Result of God's experiments to see if humans can function without a brain.
  835. Room for rent, unfurnished.
  836. Routinely outsmarted by cheese.
  837. Roving target for a surface-to-idiot missile.
  838. RS232C brain with a DIN connector.
  839. Running at 300 baud.
  840. Running lights are on but no one's at the helm.
  841. Running on a 286.
  842. Runs squares around the competition.
  843. Rusty springs in the mousetrap.
  844. S p a c e d o u t .
  845. Sailboat fuel for brains.
  846. Sat under the ozone hole too long.
  847. Says profound things but no one listens and no harm is done.
  848. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
  849. Sending back packets, but the checksums are wrong.
  850. Serving donuts on another planet.
  851. Settled some during shipping and handling.
  852. Seven cans short of a six-pack.
  853. Seven seconds behind, and built to stay that way.
  854. Several nuts over fruitcake minimum.
  855. Sharp, like stone in river. Swift, like tree through forest.
  856. She believes the three great lies.
  857. She fears success, but really has nothing to worry about. -- Thaves
  858. She has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
  859. She looks virtually real today.
  860. She only packed half a sandwich.
  861. She only schedules zombie processes.
  862. She put the ding in dingbat.
  863. She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B. -- Dorothy Parker
  864. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails them.
  865. She sounds reasonable... Must be time to up my medication.
  866. She stopped to think and forgot to start again.
  867. She wears a pony tail to cover up the valve stem.
  868. She worries about the calories licking stamps and envelopes.
  869. She'll be just fine as soon as virtual reality arrives.
  870. She's all thumbs.
  871. She's running real fast, but toward the wrong goal line.
  872. Shedding a little too much black light.
  873. Short a few cards.
  874. Short-circuited between the earphones.
  875. Should be the poster child for family planning.
  876. Should go far -- and the sooner he starts, the better.
  877. Should have kept his helmet on while riding/playing.
  878. Shouldn't be allowed to breed.
  879. Shouldn't eat nuts -- for her, it's practically cannibalism.
  880. Single-sided, low density.
  881. Sings along with elevator music.
  882. Sitting in the right pew, but the wrong church.
  883. Skating on the wrong side of the ice.
  884. Skylight leaks a little.
  885. Slept too close to his radium-dial watch.
  886. Slinky's kinked.
  887. Slow as molasses in January.
  888. Slow out of the gate.
  889. Slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
  890. Smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney.
  891. So boring, his dreams have Muzak.
  892. So clueless, he could BE God and still be an atheist.
  893. So dim, his psychic carries a flashlight.
  894. So dumb, blondes tell jokes about him.
  895. So dumb, he faxes face up.
  896. So dumb, he puts postage stamps on outgoing faxes.
  897. So dumb, his dog teaches him tricks.
  898. So far gone, hard drugs push him closer to normal.
  899. So stupid, he tries to drown fish.
  900. So stupid, mind readers charge her half price.
  901. So stupid, she doesn't go further than Thursday.
  902. So thick, he sticks to pasta.
  903. Sold his car for gas money.
  904. Solid concrete from the eyebrows backwards.
  905. Some Assembly Required.
  906. Some bugs in his software.
  907. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
  908. Some of her inodes have nodded off.
  909. Some pages missing.
  910. Somebody lend her a quarter to buy a clue.
  911. Somebody put a stop payment order on his reality check.
  912. Someone blew out his pilot light.
  913. Someone else is doing the driving for that boy.
  914. Someone forgot to plant the seed for his brain stem.
  915. Someone let the air out of her lock.
  916. Someone Reverend Spooner would have identified as a shining wit.
  917. Sort of like an inverse Einstein.
  918. Source code is missing a few lines.
  919. Speaks math/FORTRAN better than English.
  920. Spent a decade on the leading edge of drug experimentation.
  921. Stares at frozen juice cans because they say, "concentrate".
  922. Still boots to DOS.
  923. Still cutting with rounded scissors.
  924. Still sending messages with his secret decoder ring.
  925. Still struggling up the evolutionary ladder.
  926. Still traumatized from the forest fire in "Bambi".
  927. Still trying to figure out opposable thumbs.
  928. Strolling through life with one shoelace untied.
  929. Stumped by anything child-proof.
  930. Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.
  931. Suffers from excessive headspace.
  932. Suffers from Paralysis by Analysis.
  933. Supports nativist theories that man is formed from clay.
  934. Surfing in Nebraska.
  935. Surfing the Web with a hard-copy terminal. (Does anyone remember those?)
  936. Suspend switch is jumpered.
  937. Switch is on, but no one's receiving.
  938. T minus dumb and counting.
  939. Takes her 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes".
  940. Takes her an hour to cook minute rice.
  941. Takes his imagination out for a walk and ends up being dragged around the block by it.
  942. Talking with her is a career-limiting move.
  943. Talking with him is a waste of good bandwidth.
  944. Talks to plants on their own level.
  945. Tall as a post and just as smart.
  946. Team player... No chance he'll develop a personality on his own.
  947. Technically sound, but socially impossible.
  948. Teflon brain -- nothing sticks. -- Lilly Tomlin
  949. Ten to the dozen.
  950. The cheese slid off his cracker.
  951. The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr. Brain has long since departed.
  952. The fan is working but the freon's leaked out.
  953. The fire is going well, but the flue is closed.
  954. The going got weird, and he turned pro.
  955. The heater's plugged in but the rheostat's shot.
  956. The perfect personality to write software manuals.
  957. The recesses of his mind are always in recess.
  958. The result of years of careful inbreeding.
  959. The sharpest thing he's allowed to play with is a red rubber ball.
  960. The space between his ears powers vacuum pumps.
  961. The spit valve's fallen off his trumpet again.
  962. The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.
  963. The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead.
  964. The world's foremost collector of ignorance.
  965. There are great people in the world, but she's not one of them.
  966. There she sits, Finite State Automation at its best.
  967. There's biscuits on the griddle but the stove ain't on.
  968. They had to burn down the school to get her out of third grade.
  969. They must have done a clean boot on him.
  970. They never shut up on his planet.
  971. Thick as a brick / whale omelette.
  972. Thick as pig dung and twice as smelly.
  973. Thinks "Private Enterprise" means owning a personal starship.
  974. Thinks a permutation is a medical procedure.
  975. Thinks at 5 baud.
  976. Thinks cellular phones are carbon-based life forms.
  977. Thinks Cheerios are doughnut seeds.
  978. Thinks E=MC^2 is a rap star.
  979. Thinks everyone else is entitled to his opinion, like it or not.
  980. thinks in lower case & types accordingly
  981. Thinks in one-syllable words.
  982. Thinks like a boar hog looks at a wristwatch.
  983. Thinks male zebras are the ones with the black stripes.
  984. Thinks Moby Dick is a kind of venereal disease.
  985. Thinks Taco Bell is where you pay for your phone calls to Mexico.
  986. Thirteen short of a dozen.
  987. Throws his rod and reel off the bridge when casting. (I resemble that remark. -- editor)
  988. To make him laugh on Saturday, tell him a joke on Wednesday.
  989. Tone arm is down but no music is playing.
  990. Too dumb to be bothered when publicly displaying her ignorance.
  991. Too dumb to know when you're getting smart / playing dumb with him.
  992. Too many bad drugs, not enough good drugs.
  993. Too many birds on her antenna.
  994. Too many jokers and not enough aces in his deck.
  995. Too many stop bits in his transmissions.
  996. Too much yardage between the goal posts.
  997. Too pointless to even be called a pinhead.
  998. Top paddock is full of rocks.
  999. Toys in the attic.
  1000. Train of thought derailed / still boarding at the station / has no caboose.
  1001. Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind.
  1002. Traveling without a passport/towel.
  1003. Tried welding two 2x4s together and burned down his house.
  1004. Tries to forward this list to some friends, but instead ships six copies of it to the editor (groan).
  1005. Trips over cordless phones.
  1006. Truck can't haul a full load.
  1007. Truly believes "neural network" is a new Ted Turner enterprise.
  1008. Trying out for the javelin catching team.
  1009. Tuning in shortwave with a TV antenna.
  1010. Types 120 words a minute but her keyboard isn't plugged in.
  1011. Unclear which of Newton's three laws of motion keeps his ears apart.
  1012. Understands English as well as any parrot.
  1013. Used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  1014. Uses his head best for rolling Easter eggs.
  1015. Uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck.
  1016. Uses thumbtacks to post notes -- on his refrigerator.
  1017. Uses two hands to eat with chopsticks.
  1018. Using a 1S-2D floppy for brains in a world of hard disks.
  1019. Validates my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  1020. Vegitatum davenportae. (Couch potato.)
  1021. Views mold as a higher life form.
  1022. Waiting on a toaster that's not plugged in.
  1023. Warning: Objects in her mirror are dumber than they appear.
  1024. Warranty expired.
  1025. Was assimilated by the Borg.
  1026. Was born an acrobat but landed on his head.
  1027. Was born when the planets were misaligned.
  1028. Was first in line for brains, but ended up holding the door open.
  1029. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
  1030. Was napping in the nut pile the day God was cracking nuts.
  1031. Wasn't fully debugged before being released.
  1032. Wasn't strapped in during launch.
  1033. Watches "Beavis and Butthead" to learn vocabulary.
  1034. Watching programs not listed in TV Guide.
  1035. We're all missing cards from our decks -- and different cards, too.
  1036. We're all refreshed and challenged by her unique point of view.
  1037. Went in for repairs but wasn't tightened with a torque wrench.
  1038. Went to the dentist to have his cranial cavity filled.
  1039. When a thought crosses her mind, it's a long and lonely journey.
  1040. When God said, "Come forth for brains," he came fifth.
  1041. When he collects his thoughts, they fit in a very small container. -- Bob Thaves
  1042. When he was compiled they forgot to #include <smarts.h>/<iq.h>/<charm.h>.
  1043. When her window of opportunity opened, she had the shade drawn.
  1044. When opportunity knocked, she refused to open the door.
  1045. When they handed out brains he got the short end of the stick / was at the end of the line.
  1046. When they said "drain", he thought they said "brain".
  1047. Where it says, "Sign here", she writes, "Pisces".
  1048. While he was not dumber than an ox, he wasn't any smarter. -- Thurber
  1049. Whole lotta choppin', but no chips a flyin'.
  1050. Wise as the world is flat.
  1051. Won't eat eggs because he believes the "This is your brain" ads.
  1052. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
  1053. Would need help to drool.
  1054. Would starve to death in a grocery store.
  1055. Wouldn't make any sense if she ever made sense.
  1056. Wouldn't recognize a clue if he saw one / you showed him one (labelled "clue").
  1057. You can hardly tell that he's a simulation.
  1058. Zero K memory.
More of these are at:
Creative Ways to Say Someone is Stupid
Even MORE Creative Ways to Say Someone is Stupid


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