when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with
a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road
service until long after hypothermia has set in.
Because I'm a man,
When the car isn't running very well, I will pop
the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If
another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be
able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and
everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a man,
When I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup
and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You NEVER get as sick
as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a man,
When one of our appliances stops working I will
insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost
me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it
back together.
Because I'm a man,
I must hold the television remote control in my
hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss
a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive
by holding a calculator).
Because I'm a man,
I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't
think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a
complete stranger -- I mean, how could he know where we're going?
Because I'm a man,
There is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up
something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a man,
I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about
her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day
is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up
something for my Mom, too!
Because I'm a man,
You don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't like it.
Because I'm a man,
Yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce
Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you
every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time
and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and
everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find
this fascinating.
Because I'm a man,
I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what
you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes
is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine.
You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the 2000's,
I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.
This has been a public service message for women,
to better understand
the Male animal.
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